How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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