I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
