i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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