They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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