i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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