do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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