So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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