my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Barsexuality is the new black.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
