my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
