if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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