I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
