Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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