3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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