I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
