just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
