Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
