sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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