We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
