whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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