Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
