You can't motorboat a personality
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
