It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize