Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
