I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
