After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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