last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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