I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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