the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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