I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
