Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
