every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
