Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
