I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
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