also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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