I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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