Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
