He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
