Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
