I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Randomize
