In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
