foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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