i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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