just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
