id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize