If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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