I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I wish i was in the wii world.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
