Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
