His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
high people should be assigned attendants
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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