At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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