you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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