margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
