I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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