When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
