I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
