Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
