dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
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