I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I am mentally ready for anal.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
