Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
