my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
