just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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